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Tony and El Brian do Europe (Amster-Damn)

Posted in Tales From the Road by fkngmtns on June 21, 2009

Tony: Going to Amsterdam is like smoking really good weed out of a bong shaped like a vagina.

Sex and drugs are everywhere, or at least everywhere in the city center, and by the time you’ve walked down a few streets you are a horny dope-driven wreck of a person. To make things worse, there are a million gorgeous liberal dutch women riding riding around on old bikes, going to and from amazingly contemproary art galleries…It is possibly the greatest place in the world.

"Smoke weed everyday."-Nate Dogg

Brian: Amsterdam is definitely as rad as it sounds. Smoking the best weed you’ve ever smoked in front of cops on the street, walking into a dutch lesbian bar by accident, dancing with the most beautiful women until they leave then dancing with the other most beautiful women that just got to the club. It definitely ruled.

The day we arrived, we headed to our hostel which ended up being smack dab in the middle of the Red Light District. It was a movie themed hostel ran by really pissed off Syrians that yelled at each other a lot. They actually ended up being cool dudes once you talked with them. It was still pretty scary to walk into the hostel high as fuck with a bunch of them hanging around mean-mugging you. Everytime we would walk in I would get paranoid that they were onto me & my weed smoking antics even though they didn’t care because they were also stoned

So we drop our shit off and headed for the nearest coffee shop. Coffee shops only sell weed and weed smoking tools, food with weed in it, munchie food for when you’re high and non-alcoholic beverages. Bars don’t sell weed but most have smoking areas. After we smoke our first spliffs of hash and tobacco we head to the nearest bar. After a few beers to level us out we ask the waiter where the cool places to party are. He tells us about Studio 80.

Tony: Ordering weed is like ordering a drink. You stare at a menu of clever names with catchy descriptions, scrolling through the list until a waiter pressures you into making a decision. Items like White Widow, AK-47, and Supa-Dupa High-As-Fuck Wacky Weed, are common place on these menus. I found something with locally grown grass, and figured I may as well support the local economy and buy a spliff of the dutch stuff. Brian seemed surprised with the order, and a few drags later explained that my joint was rolled with the ‘heavy shit.’ I don’t smoke weed, and for good reason; within a few minutes of inhalation I became a completely helpless idiot. Thank god Brian and his weed knowledge were there to direct me.

One hooker. One pimp. Too much style.

One hooker. One pimp. Too much style.

Brian: The next night we had some dinner with a friend and headed to another coffee shop. Not really paying attention to the menu I order a spliff which I thought was just hash and tobacco. Turns out that I ordered a spliff with tobacco and really good weed. It also turns out that weed spliffs get you way higher than hash spliffs. Needless to say I was way high. Too high. It was scary as fuck.
The streets and sidewalks in Amsterdam are super shitty. Some areas the curbs are higher than others, the cobble stones would jut out every now and then so walking on this shit sober was hard enough let alone when you’re trying to concentrate on not losing you’re mind because you’re so stoned. After walking for what seemed like forever it starts to rain. At this point I’m starting to get a little more of a grasp on reality and realize that I’m not on a boat in the middle of the ocean but looking for a club with Tony in Amsterdam. The rain is starting to get worse so we head into the first bar we see.

When we walk into the bar I’m thinking, ‘hell yeah look at all these fine honeys and no dudes except for the bartender dancing to Beyonce.’ After a few sips of my beer I look around and realize that all the pictures on the wall are famous female actresses and they have a projector showing photos of the bar from parties they’ve had before. In the photos I notice that there isn’t one dude except for the obviously gay bartender. That’s when it dawns on me that we missed the huge rainbow flag above the door and that Tony and I were chilling in a lesbian bar.

We finally get to Studio 80, and it’s a ghost town except for a couple of Dutch hipsters and two German goofs throwing down the sickest dance moves I’ve seen.

Tony: Brian is being sarcastic here…they danced like pogosticks on acid.

Brina: Within thirty minutes the place is packed. The first DJ is playing some crazy electro with violins, accordions, and every other wacky instrument you would never expect. It was amazing! Seriously. It  was a double headliner show thrown by a little local magazine. The first headliner was a band from Toronto called Basketball. They are a three piece; one dude on electronics, one dude banging on a drum and another dude yelling into a mic with too many effects. Meh. The second headliner was Momma’s Boy aka Mikix the cat. Mikix is a Dj/producer from Paris known for his hard electro/bassline sound but while playing under his Momma’s Boy moniker he spins mainly house. After nerding out with Mikix about the new hottest jams in  broke-ass english- “Huh? What? I’m sorry I don’t understand” type conversation- Estaw started his set. After Estaw finished, I was pretty drunk and high, and Mikix started playing. It was awesome. He was all over the map. From straight up house, into 90’s anthem house, dubstep, g-rap  and finally into his signature sound. Sick.

El Brian & Mikix the Cat

El Brian & Mikix the Cat

Tony: The club was sick. The lesbian bar was even sicker.

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