fm magazine is cutting jeans into shorts

A Report On Nederland

Posted in Social Life by fkngmtns on March 19, 2009

FM Magazine shares an office with Adam Sikorski, a very talented and thoughtful designer. Last week, Adam asked me if I’d ever heard of the Frozen Dead Guy Festival in Nederland, Colorado.

I hadn’t.

He proceeded to tell me the amazing tale of a frozen Norwegian corpse that is kept on ice in the hills of Nederland. The body is actually housed in a Tuff Shed just outside of town, and each year there is a huge party to celebrate his cryogenic state. Coffin races, polar bear plunges, and a whole bunch of weird mountain hippies.

We had to go.

We arrived in Nederland around 1 p.m. and immediately located the local liquor store. One six pack of local mountain brew, a couple “Swag Bombers,” and two brown bags started off the festivities. We shuffled down a snow-packed hill to the frozen lake where half-naked people were jumping into the freezing waters. One girl was dressed like a viking and jiggled her ass before plugging her nose and taking the leap. They called it the “Polar Bear Plunge,” and it looked horrifying. The drunk in front of me kept calling the jumpers “pussies.” Apparently the intoxicated man could “fuckin’ swim the shit out of that cold-ass lake.” I agreed with him.

Everyone was drinking, and it seemed as though there was no law enforcement. NWA would have been safe in this town. I found out later that Nederland’s police force is all of four dudes, whose headquarters is located two doors down from the liquor store we got our bombers from. We finished off our brown baggers and headed into town for a look at the local bar scene.

 

We were not prepared for the cold. My sweet denim jacket failed miserably against the snow.

We were not prepared for the cold. My sweet denim jacket failed miserably against the snow.

 

By this point, the holes in my dilapidated Vans had managed to soak my feet.  I was convinced frostbite would set in soon, but romanticized the idea of losing a toe at a strange hippie festival in the mountains. We managed to find a warm place to saddle up, and I kept the toes on my feet.  Of the three bars that exist in Nederland, we stumbled into the local saloon. The place was packed, and when we finally squeezed into the bar, we found ourselves surrounded by elderly people.

The old folks in Nederland aren’t like geezers from the city. They are way more fuckin’ hardcore. These people have lived in this mountain town for their whole lives, and don’t really give two-shits about anything. Despite the 62-year-old woman sitting beside me spouting off sexual fantasies and throwing coasters at the bartender, I felt right at home. Adam struck up a conversation with a 7-foot, 300-pound, bad-ass motherfucker, who claimed to be friends with WWF wrestlers. We completely believed him, and when my 62-year-old friend asked him if he wanted to fuck, we simply raised our hands for a Nederland hi-five!

 

I think his name was Mad Dog or Hatcher, either way he had red contact lenses and an arm full of feathers.

I think his name was Mad Dog or Hatchet, either way he had red contact lenses and an arm full of feathers.

 

After three more hours of drinking and listening to Yonder-Phish-Bluegrass-Shit music, we found ourselves back in Sikorski’s SAAB driving towards Boulder with a man called Danny B and his psychopathic Swiss friend Katherine. Kat was a good-looking blonde with a crazy Swiss accent. She was also on mushrooms, and insisted that we get back to her place to listen to techno. Adam was swooning.

We made it back to Kat’s house where a dulled-out house beat was promptly played on the stereo. Danny B turned out to be a Molly dealer and soon enough, we were all in the hot tub. Kat told us about how great Burning Man is, and how we really have to start hanging out more. Adam was trying to work an angle with the swiss miss, but she was apparently married. We pulled ourselves out of the warm bubbly water, and headed back to the office. Adam and I played ping-pong until 6 a.m.

 

Adam, Danny B, and Kat.

Adam, Danny B, and Kat.

 

Neither of us are entirely sure how anything that happened that day had anything to do with a frozen dead guy, but we both agreed to do it again.

–Tony

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